Same but Different

Growing up in a household of three sisters, WE were always targets for comparison.

It happens in all families. However, comparisons are less avoidable when siblings are of the same gender or when the age gap between them is smaller. And that's because the pressure of measuring up is even greater.

Fortunately, our love for each other as sisters have always tempered triggers for rivalry. Admittedly, there were moments of uncertainty - usually a result of the not-ill-intentioned but careless quip from someone around (our parents, in particular). Perhaps being girls, (not arguably the more mature of the sexes), we were able to keep things in perspective as we grew up. What induced comfort despite unwelcome triggers was the fact that the three of us were intensely loyal to each other for a number of reasons. For one, we were collectively united against the strict upbringing that was sometimes a 'pain' in the butt - literally. For now, let's just say that it helps to have a common enemy in one or both of your parents! LOL. This was in spite of the fact that we also loved our parents dearly and would not tolerate disrespect to them. Women are walking contradictions and models of humanity :)

Ashwini, Mira and ME :)

Well, how has all this prepared me for mothering two girls without prejudice against the other? I cannot remember the number of friends who were curious to know if I have a favourite. Well, the same question in interesting variations come from my daugthers - sometimes in insinuating statements.

How can I be accused of favouritism? There were some friends who told me that parents WILL have a favourite. I cannot agree.

I love both of of my daughters - equally. They evoke the same gush of feeling from my heart - albeit at different times of the day and sometimes at the same time, when they are together and angelic. Given the fact that they were not born concurrently, my elder one, Ashwini, occasionally reminisces the times when she was the centre of her parents' life and contrasts that now, when she has to share that attention with Mira. Mira on the other hand, will never know what it is like to be the sole recepient of her parents' love. After all, from the time she was born, she'd had to share her parents' love with Ashwini. This means having different rules - to be fair to each of their developmental state. And of course, both of them have issues with nature's law - which cannot be fair in their little eyes. A parent can only continue to explain and hope that as their bond grows and as their relationships with their friends develop, their entired sense of being accepted gets moderated by other lessons in life - outside the home.

A mother cannot choose between her children. Each one is special and shares a unique bond with her. I now have a one-month old son whom I adore (I mean, he's a baby!!!) but I am not surprised that my feelings for my daughters has only strengthened.

Why do my children love their cranky mother?

I could never figure this one out - though I should, seriously, not complain :). I mean, it could be that I should be loved because I gave birth to both of them and it really does not matter whether they come out through the birth canal, via forceps or the C-section. I am MUM and MUMs are supposed to be these serene, smiling, sweet-smelling and self-sacrificial beings, right? Ha ha. Well, no.

I should not speak for all mums...but err, I am fascinated that the bond that I share with my two lovely gals is non-negotiable. I love them - for better and for worse and I can fathom that my love is unconditional even at my most detached moments. But then again I am extremely cranky when they are at their worst. I have a short fuse when it comes to childish and child-like behaviour - though on the surface, I can continue to keep cool and calm. Then, the tension beneath the surface creates cracks that showcase the crazed crankiness. Maybe, that's the problem. I may be confusing my gals! By the time they figure out that I am really upset, they have deteriorated from angelic sweetness to impish annoyance and then to devilish rascals. There are times when I have it all sorted out. My briefings work because I am vigilant and have worked out the consequences for bad behaviour and communicated these to them. It works when there is a session to put the agreement to the test before the bid day itself. Sad to say, despite all my best intentions, they surprise me at times and I feel unprepared. What could have prepared me for my Ashwini dipping her fingers into my sister's drink - unannounced and totally without reason? Ashwini learnt a lesson about boundaries and consideration that day - through a ticking off in front of her cousins by an outraged sister and a private discussion with me. There are other days when I am simply without patience and I could have conducted myself more appropriately. I have instead nagged, berated and smacked my daughters. Their tears always wring my heart but my face retains its scowl because I am so mad with them.

Yet, in all their innocence, they know that I am far from perfect and they love me the way I am. Do I deserve this? I should. I do (I am telling myself this). After all, most, if not all, decisions that I make are centred around them. I don't do the physical stuff because I conserve my energy for my work, which I love and from where I energise and learn to be a better mum. Teaching has taught me the most about families because I have seen hundreds pass through my way and they all show me how essential bonds with parents are. They teach me what they love and hate about their parents and what the consequences are for the love and hate that they harbour in their hearts. Even the teenager who claims he hates his parent, says so because he is utterly disappointed in being rejected by the parent in some way.

Yes, even children know how to love their parents unconditionally. We parents must also strive to deserve that love and keep that going. A child that is happy to acknowledge that love publicly is blessed and so is the mum or dad who is happy to hear it and return that love - multi fold.

My daughters love me and yes, I love them more than the world :)

Time Out from Teaching Means Time to Reflect on Teaching...

The Real Perks of the Management and Leadership in Schools (MLS) course for me... I miss my school, students and teachers but I cannot help but be thrilled. I have the luxury and privilege of being nominated for a fully-paid 4-month long training opportunity within Singapore (which means still living under the same roof as my loved ones and with access to resources within the school virtual network - all a click of a button away, besides the beckoning comfort of my workstation in school. )

Some of my course-mates were skeptical about the benefits of being at the course but I was ecstatic. I felt that we are a lucky bunch; I even wondered if there is another part of the world where you can be selected for training and be paid whilst at it.What could be better than having so much TIME to REFLECT - especially for a natural thinker like me? 

I was always feeling rushed to just deliver the 'goods' of teaching and sometimes, this was done without the adequate thought that was expected of the job. I mean besides being a curriculum gatekeeper (teacher), I am a curriculum leader (Level Head). Both the roles require decision-making based on sound educational principles. When the day-to-day concerns hit you, there is hardly the time to ponder about the 'curriculum' and being embroiled as a involved party with conflicting priorities and demands, it is virtually impossible to take a step back and look at the curriculum from outside the 'box' - objectively and critically.

At the MLS course, apart from the weekly learning journals, presentations, assignments, discussion forums and break-out sessions - all of which are expected to be supported by knowledge gained and re-created from the stimulus provided at lectures and the recommended readings, there are other really rejuvenating respites - like the regional and local school visits.

My team-mates and I have made contact with a number of secondary schools to dialogue with their curriculum leaders about their English programmes. The school we visited yesterday was a Centre of Excellence for English, Literature and Drama in the North Zone. The school had a well-integrated approach to the teaching of all of these three subjects and the key, in my view, was the school's teamwork and infrastructure support. Of course, the school had only one main stream which meant that curriculum leadership was less complex and so, deployment of teachers and their professional development could more streamlined. But the model was not wrong and can be applied to my/any school - if we focus on a single stream at a time and deployed our teachers more strategically. The learning was rich, not because they practised strategies vastly different from any of the five schools whose Heads were present and listening with interest but because the sharing affirmed aspects of our own belief systems and choices and also demonstrated the sound reasoning and work process that was embarked on to support the curriculum choices by the educators sharing snippets of their bread & butter with us. They had teachers who had to teach graduating classes in their second year of teaching (something that some of our schools look upon tentatively) but they rise to the occasion - not without coaching/mentoring and monitoring by team leader of the graduating classes. There was nothing as engaging or intriguing as the sharing by operational experts on curriculum matters because of the links between curriculum choices and unique school contexts. The three hours flew past, unnoticed and we still had questions.

I am looking forward to the rest of the school visits as well, and this being a practical aspect of the course, my team is keen to learn more through dialogues with practitioners rather than an over-reliance on theory. (not that readings have not been insightful; they are records of other educational researchers' practice and experiments and are short-cuts to discoveries about educational practices, etc.)

Cheers to learning and God give me the wisdom to make a difference in my own school when I return later this year. After all, my teachers and students deserve a better me after this wonderful recharging experience!

The Perfect Story - The Perfect Child and Mother.

I can't believe that I post so infrequently. But then, I am so so so busy!!! Really, I am... Sigh.

Then again, I often wonder how other bloggers do it. Actually, the trouble is that I love crafting these entries so much, that I really spend too long on each one (when I finally get down to it, that is) . And for each entry, (if you had read the rest in this blog). you'd realise that I like to share one of my insights in life each time I post. No wonder I take so long to say my piece. I am a hopeless perfectionist, and you know what? So is my Ashwini.

Watching your child grow up is like watching your own growth, both as an individual and as a parent - symbiotically. What do I mean? One or more of your children sometimes inherit in their personalities, the same or echoes of the same strengths and weaknesses that you possess. As a parent, you may not see that clearly and even if you do, there is a tendency to quickly support the strength and help manage that weakness that you also share. And that's the difficult part - because you know how much that weakness has held you back (in your own struggles with growing up), you are anxious to pluck that weakness out of the existence of your 'perfect' child - at any cost. Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean, can one really do that? What does that say about your own sense of self-acceptance? And you can imagine the contagious effect of such an attitude on the anxiety of your 'perfect' child.

The test is always there, in one form or another. Ashwini brought home a CCA option form one day. I was fascinated that P1 students take CCA. My first thought was, 'What fun!'. Ashwini can learn something in her own school and make some friends outside of her class and Seniors at that. When I asked Ashwini about what she thought, she was quick to tell me that she did not want any CCA to do with Performing Arts (she's learning Bharathanatyam at SIFAS on Sundays) or sports (she's learning swimming every Saturday evening at APS school and used to learn gymnastics in preschool). She was also exposed to Speech & Drama.

Finally, she told me - quite decisively - that she would like either Science & Technology Club (which I secretly was not crazy about. Is it really fun?!) or Art Club (Hmm OK, but..) . I listened to her. I must especially with Sreeni giving me that quizzical look in the background. Yes, the well-meaning father and the anxious mother. There's always that natural affliction in the combination which is God's way of taking care of the little ones in our care, I suppose.

The story only just began. When she was finally allotted the CCA (Yes, she was given Science & Technology Club), Ashwini decided that she will not go for CCA. She did not know what it would really entail and she had so many other things to do. She took the first bus home and that gave me a shock. She told me that she had no idea where to go and that she was afraid to ask around for help. I felt my irritation mounting. I was impatient to pluck that sense of reluctance and fear out of her being so that she does not get held back by such inconsequential notions. This was the problem. I was just like Ashwini in my own youth. There was always a fear (of authoritative figures) and shyness holding me back. I was curious and always plagued by the tension between my curiosity and need for affirmation and friendship vs the fear of a bad experience and rejection.

Years of life experience has taught me how to manage my own fears better - not always perfectly. What more do I want from a 6-year-old? It took a lot of thinking and the will to do what she needs and not what I want - with the timely advice from my own mother to give Ashwini space to adjust to her new P1 life at her own pace - which finally brought me to my senses. I talked to Sreeni as well, besides having a few chats with Ashwini herself.

Ashwini and I struck a deal that she can re-consider CCA in P2, but only if she wishes to join the CCA. Ashwini reminded me that CCA is only required from P3 onwards. She agreed that she will - however - continue going for Chinese Enrichment classes on Thursday afternoons (which she was also threatening to drop for reasons of unfamiliarity). I swiftly communicated through the comms book with her FT to give her some encouragement and guidance (something which her FT did carry out). Ashwini attended the first session gingerly and was happy that it was fun. She met other non-Chinese students who were there to learn how to speak some basic Mandarin and the experience lost its sense of mystery.

I was proud of her. She knew her rights and in her little way had put me in my place. This is the life lesson I am currently experiencing - and I hope I learn from it quickly (and yes - perfectly). LOL again!

Change is a Challenging Constant

On 18 November, Ashwini and I went to the primary school that she was going to be enrolled in. On our way there, I was wondering if Ashu would be OK, when her buddy brings her off to meet her form class and teacher - separated from me. Ashu was, of course, briefed by me on the way there.

As we walked up the steps leading to the school foyer, where the registration was held, Ashu clasped my hand tightly. I squeezed her hand back and smiled. I had butterflies in my stomach and I was not sure what I was nervous about.

We went through the programme - Ashu with her new teacher and classmates in the classroom and I, with the rest of the parents, at the Principal's talk in the School Hall. Soon, it was all over. Ashu was with me, buying her school uniform, T-shirts and shorts, school bag, books order, etc. There were forms to fill in as well. I fumbled through some of the procedures like a student enrolling for a new course of study. I was surprised at myself. Yes, change brings about some degree of anxiety. But there was also the excitement of the future. Despite the initial jitters, Ashu and I were exuberant, soaking in the feeling of new-ness together.

When Ashu got home, this was reinforced by her gentle but serious quip that she would no longer be watching Playhouse Disney. The channel did not befit her new found P1 status. She relegated the kid channel as something only 3-year-olds like Mira should watch. Wearing her school uniform, and looking a picture of studiousness, Ashu settled down at the sofa. She clicked on the TV with the remote control again and with a solemn air, scanned the channels until she came to Animal Planet.

I must say she was indeed taking very well to her future... :)

"I'd rather be a could - be if I cannot be an are; because a could - be is a maybe who is reaching for a star, I'd rather be a has - been than a might - have - been, by far; for a might have - been has never been, but a has was once an are." Milton Berle

P1 Registration and Going Toothless

On 29 July 2008, Sreeni & I took leave and went to the prospective primary school we had in mind for Ashwini. We were going to register Ashwini there for her Primary school education in 2009. Just a stone's throw away, we were confident that she will have no problems enrolling there as we were living within 1km of the school and there were no HDB flats within sight.

As expected, we were told about 3 days later that there was no balloting for those living within 1 km. That's a relief!

Then came the next phase of growing up. Ashwini's bottom tooth fell out - on 12 August 2008. My dear daughter had brought home her tooth in a clear plastic bag and it was a moment of celebration - a mark of the beginning of another lap of childhood and my baby has indeed become a little girl now :)

From Black HYUNDAI Matrix to Amethyst Gray NISSAN Latio

Well, well, well. Cars, cars, cars. I had promised myself that I'll stay put with the Matrix for the whole ten years but what do you know, I'm a hopeless brat. Heard so much about COE going down and such and the car prices were dropping and then curiosity turned into temptation and temptation into want/'need'.

So I'm getting the NISSAN Latio in the Amethyst Gray shade that I had been coveting.

Of all things, the colour was the most heart wrenching decision I felt I had to make but I managed to get the last Amethyst Gray that TAN CHONG MOTOR SALES Pte Ltd had in their stockpile - not before a number of examinations of existing models on display and not before checking through the collection warehouse adjoining the main showroom and some switching of colours and discussions on the pros and cons of red, black and amethyst. In the end, the interior's going to be beige instead of the easier-to-maintain black, but that's OK. I'll probably change the car again a few years down the road, right? I mean, I'm Singaporean now - quite truly. BTW, successful at the first bidding for COE, I'm told that my car might just be ready by the end of next week!

Even in my blissful state, I must say that a part of me is yearning for more. How else can I comment on my pragmatic acceptance that the Nissan LATIO will do for now? After all, it was the RENAULT SCENIC that really caught my eye: it's aesthetically superior and spacious without being overwhelming. Too expensive for a second car. No, let's be practical - at least for now.

And yes, with the Latio's keyless technology, I'm looking forward to a fumble-free lifestyle. I can see Sreeni smiling and nodding at that. Ha Ha.