I always thought decision-making was my forte - until recently. Decisions are easier to make when the results are remote from one's personal life - because then, one is emotionally removed and is operating on a higher realm - of facts/data and logic - in Ad Wagner's transactional analysis terms, completely in adult mode, neither a parent nor a child. Changes in personal life are harder to manage.
A number of things changed - all affecting my emotions deeply. For example, there was a need to re-charge relationships within the family. My hubby and I had undergone a number of stressful experiences - not all of which we were in touch with nor excited about. In spite of these low points, the still-present love between us and a long shared history made us decide to stick it out with each other. Although we have lost some of our romantic notions, we have moved on. Now, we approach stressful matters with greater maturity - generally :) Yes, I think we've crossed our bridges somewhat and are charting new directions.
Then I realised how vastly different my daughters are from each other and from their cousins - not to mention us, their parents. I found myself re-calibrating how I respond to my daughters each time I learn more about them. And the changes are breathtaking; they happen so fast. The children are exposed to many influences outside the home and these make an impact on them. How do I keep up with these developments with a busy personal schedule? Time, time, time: it's ever evasive and a constant challenge.
Last year, I dealt with another life-changing matter. I discovered that I was two months pregnant during a routine check-up - when the sonographer announced that I had a 8-week-old foetus in my womb. How could I have not known? That's another story fit for a separate blog entry altogether. Back to the point about discovering that I'll be a mother of No. 3. My feelings were ambivalent: I was thrilled (I loved the thought of holding another baby in my arms) and I was also shocked (my hubby and I were still in the midst of re-discovering 'us' and I had plans to pursue my other ambitions). I was already 42 and was not expecting to be expectant. A baby and another child can be a strong distracter. But there was a strong feeling that this baby was God's gift to me, to us. And so, I crossed another bridge.
The baby was due this year - in Feb 2011- and I went for a C-section on 19 Jan. Before that, the unthinkable happened: the contract term for the maid I employed at home was coming to an end and it looked like I could not renew her contract with us for a number of reasons. When I had to effect this change, it brought along a series of emotional disturbances.
Will a new maid click with my two daughters? Ashwini and Mira had got along like a house on fire with the previous maid, Priya. Priya was a housekeeper, nanny cum playmate. She had been empowered to manage many of my household concerns - independently. Of course there were also those annoying moments when Ashwini and Priya would argue like kids (and I would have to tick off both of them). But I had such peace of mind the last six years because she had deep compassion for my two daughters. She monitored them closely and knew what they enjoyed watching on TV and what they loved playing on the computers. She knew who their friends and teachers were. She would keep me in the loop if she noticed anything amiss. As a workinh mother without the support of my mother or in-laws to supervise the maid at home, this was such a reassurance. Hence, my nervousness with the change in maid. Many questions raced through my mind. Will the gals accept a new maid? Even if they do, will the new maid manage my newborn the way Priya had tended to Mira since she was born - in my absence when I'm at work? Will she have an interest in my gals who may feel displaced now that there is a newborn to take away some of the attention from mommy? Will she demand many off-days? The experienced maids generally do (and I felt I needed one with experience in handling THREE children independently) but that'll make most or all Sundays tough on me when I complete my maternity leave. After all, I leave home at unearthly hours because I teach in a full day school and Sunday evening are when I need some space to get ready for the hectic week ahead. It is also the time when I the gals need to be monitored - to prepare for an early night in view of the school days ahead. Should I ask my current maid to leave only after baby is born and only after we move to our new place? Yes, we had sold our condo. If Priya stays with us until No 3 is born, I can have her support while I'm hospitalised. But then again I do that, the new maid will not have had enough lead time with the gals BEFORE the baby is born. The gals would also miss Priya even more if I have less time with them after No 3 arrives. Each of the questions and answers brought me to separate crossroads. Depending on which road I decide to take, the 'journey' and 'end-point'would be obviously different.
It did not help that when my new helper turned up, my panic buttons were pushed. You see, I felt that she was ALL wrong. I saw her 'faults' and they overwhelmed me. I tried to get her replaced but the agency had difficulty finding the 'perfect' replacement - immediately. I spoke to a few transfer maids but I was paralysed with fear to make a decision either way. They all looked less suitable than the one I had at home. I was in the final stages of my pregnancy and my baby was due for a C-section in a month. I found a way to buy time. I started thinking of ways to get around my new maid's limitations by focussing on her strengths - the key ones being her maturity and good attitude. I decided that I'll have to effect changes around the home to accommodate the strengths of the new helper and work with her strengths.
As my 'adult mode' kicked in, I calmed down. My new helper, Siriwathee, was 41 and a mother of three grown-up boys. She was obedient. Despite being a good cook herself, she would watch and carry out cooking exactly as I instructed. That was so humble and it was humbling for me to see such attitude in someone who was quite accomplished but went about her work without any aplomb. She wanted us to enjoy what she brought to the table and was very mindful that our needs were being met. She did not want any Sundays off so she could maximise her earnings. Though not a nanny type or a playmate, she was motherly. The children 'listened' to her gentle persuasions and were always on time for school. She moved around the house quietly, working hard round the clock (without being asked to) and waking up daily at 5.00am (without being instructed to). I found myself requesting her to enjoy waking up a little later on weekends. I found myself complimenting her efforts and looking into her needs. She was careful that I did not carry heavy loads nor burn my hands when I cooked. Her concern for our welfare would be expressed matter-of-factly and without fuss. During my recuperation period after Dev was born, she showed quiet care for me (I came back with stitches from a Caesarean). I had no confinement nanny or additional help. She enquired if I needed any special diet and surprised me with one or two tonics that I mentioned about in passing. On a few occasions, she woke up, unasked, to tend to my newborn son when he cried in the middle of the night - unheard by an exhausted mum. She is a gem and I found myself thinking of her as another of God's gifts to an emotionally charged individual.
What could have been so wrong with her in my eyes - initially? Whatever that bugged me about her then seem so inconsequential now. Well, she had appeared 'blur', had problems understanding English (spoken and written), had shown reluctance to do any shopping and had spent little time with my gals nor 'showed' signs of interest in them when they tried interacting with her. I was expecting an experienced maid with six to seven years of working experience in Singapore - someone who could function independently like Priya (and with . But the agency had overlooked the fact that her previous six years of work experience in Singapore was about seven years back! No wonder she was 'blur' at first and struggled with English. I also learnt to understand the depth of problems she arrived with. She and her husband have huge loans to pay off back in Sri Lanka and she was extremely quiet, probably preoccupied and burdened by thoughts of her family's situation and lonely in a new, less friendly environment. Interestingly, it was my children who accepted her and gave her a chance straight away - with greater open-mindedness. The final sense of being 'home' for Siriwathee came when Dev arrived.
She loves the lil fella and finds my gals amusing. She is beginning to show affection towards them too and I suspect they take her mind off her own issues. She deals with the gal's needs - tirelessly around the clock and gives them space to play with each other. The space the gals enjoy together has brought about some positive effects on their bond with each other.
How do I see Siriwathee now? Now, I see that she was just an introvert who was as nervous of change - and her new environment as I was of her and her likely contributions. Thank goodness, I finally saw the silver lining.
When the domestic helper issue was settled, there came the demands of renovation and the impending move to a new place. Every Sunday afternoon became a visit to the contractor's office. Almost every weekday, I was running about monitoring the progress of the work and buying required items. If not, there were all the legal matters to settle with regards to the sale of our condo and the purchase of our new but bigger HDB unit. On the weekends, Sreeni would be with me and that has been a reassurance. On the weekdays, I'd be texting him all the updates so that he'd be in the loop and could intervene when necessary.
Then, there is the most tiring part of the change - the plans for the big move itself. Now, what do we bring and what do we throw? Aaarrggghhh. Well, there are some things that we cannot bring along like the current condo facilities. And already, I feel that I'll miss some of them - like the swimming pool, the greenery and yes, the security. My gals have been moving about the condo around so freely now because the friendly security 'uncles' are there to protect them from unfamiliar loiterers. At the new HDB environment, I'll need to re-orientate the gals and my new maid to heartland living. They have to be more mindful. Of course, we'll focus on the positive aspects of the change - the pull factors that had us crossing the road to the new home.
Oh Mini, count your blessings! Change is a constant and there will be many more crossroads to come...
A number of things changed - all affecting my emotions deeply. For example, there was a need to re-charge relationships within the family. My hubby and I had undergone a number of stressful experiences - not all of which we were in touch with nor excited about. In spite of these low points, the still-present love between us and a long shared history made us decide to stick it out with each other. Although we have lost some of our romantic notions, we have moved on. Now, we approach stressful matters with greater maturity - generally :) Yes, I think we've crossed our bridges somewhat and are charting new directions.
Then I realised how vastly different my daughters are from each other and from their cousins - not to mention us, their parents. I found myself re-calibrating how I respond to my daughters each time I learn more about them. And the changes are breathtaking; they happen so fast. The children are exposed to many influences outside the home and these make an impact on them. How do I keep up with these developments with a busy personal schedule? Time, time, time: it's ever evasive and a constant challenge.
Last year, I dealt with another life-changing matter. I discovered that I was two months pregnant during a routine check-up - when the sonographer announced that I had a 8-week-old foetus in my womb. How could I have not known? That's another story fit for a separate blog entry altogether. Back to the point about discovering that I'll be a mother of No. 3. My feelings were ambivalent: I was thrilled (I loved the thought of holding another baby in my arms) and I was also shocked (my hubby and I were still in the midst of re-discovering 'us' and I had plans to pursue my other ambitions). I was already 42 and was not expecting to be expectant. A baby and another child can be a strong distracter. But there was a strong feeling that this baby was God's gift to me, to us. And so, I crossed another bridge.
The baby was due this year - in Feb 2011- and I went for a C-section on 19 Jan. Before that, the unthinkable happened: the contract term for the maid I employed at home was coming to an end and it looked like I could not renew her contract with us for a number of reasons. When I had to effect this change, it brought along a series of emotional disturbances.
Will a new maid click with my two daughters? Ashwini and Mira had got along like a house on fire with the previous maid, Priya. Priya was a housekeeper, nanny cum playmate. She had been empowered to manage many of my household concerns - independently. Of course there were also those annoying moments when Ashwini and Priya would argue like kids (and I would have to tick off both of them). But I had such peace of mind the last six years because she had deep compassion for my two daughters. She monitored them closely and knew what they enjoyed watching on TV and what they loved playing on the computers. She knew who their friends and teachers were. She would keep me in the loop if she noticed anything amiss. As a workinh mother without the support of my mother or in-laws to supervise the maid at home, this was such a reassurance. Hence, my nervousness with the change in maid. Many questions raced through my mind. Will the gals accept a new maid? Even if they do, will the new maid manage my newborn the way Priya had tended to Mira since she was born - in my absence when I'm at work? Will she have an interest in my gals who may feel displaced now that there is a newborn to take away some of the attention from mommy? Will she demand many off-days? The experienced maids generally do (and I felt I needed one with experience in handling THREE children independently) but that'll make most or all Sundays tough on me when I complete my maternity leave. After all, I leave home at unearthly hours because I teach in a full day school and Sunday evening are when I need some space to get ready for the hectic week ahead. It is also the time when I the gals need to be monitored - to prepare for an early night in view of the school days ahead. Should I ask my current maid to leave only after baby is born and only after we move to our new place? Yes, we had sold our condo. If Priya stays with us until No 3 is born, I can have her support while I'm hospitalised. But then again I do that, the new maid will not have had enough lead time with the gals BEFORE the baby is born. The gals would also miss Priya even more if I have less time with them after No 3 arrives. Each of the questions and answers brought me to separate crossroads. Depending on which road I decide to take, the 'journey' and 'end-point'would be obviously different.
It did not help that when my new helper turned up, my panic buttons were pushed. You see, I felt that she was ALL wrong. I saw her 'faults' and they overwhelmed me. I tried to get her replaced but the agency had difficulty finding the 'perfect' replacement - immediately. I spoke to a few transfer maids but I was paralysed with fear to make a decision either way. They all looked less suitable than the one I had at home. I was in the final stages of my pregnancy and my baby was due for a C-section in a month. I found a way to buy time. I started thinking of ways to get around my new maid's limitations by focussing on her strengths - the key ones being her maturity and good attitude. I decided that I'll have to effect changes around the home to accommodate the strengths of the new helper and work with her strengths.
As my 'adult mode' kicked in, I calmed down. My new helper, Siriwathee, was 41 and a mother of three grown-up boys. She was obedient. Despite being a good cook herself, she would watch and carry out cooking exactly as I instructed. That was so humble and it was humbling for me to see such attitude in someone who was quite accomplished but went about her work without any aplomb. She wanted us to enjoy what she brought to the table and was very mindful that our needs were being met. She did not want any Sundays off so she could maximise her earnings. Though not a nanny type or a playmate, she was motherly. The children 'listened' to her gentle persuasions and were always on time for school. She moved around the house quietly, working hard round the clock (without being asked to) and waking up daily at 5.00am (without being instructed to). I found myself requesting her to enjoy waking up a little later on weekends. I found myself complimenting her efforts and looking into her needs. She was careful that I did not carry heavy loads nor burn my hands when I cooked. Her concern for our welfare would be expressed matter-of-factly and without fuss. During my recuperation period after Dev was born, she showed quiet care for me (I came back with stitches from a Caesarean). I had no confinement nanny or additional help. She enquired if I needed any special diet and surprised me with one or two tonics that I mentioned about in passing. On a few occasions, she woke up, unasked, to tend to my newborn son when he cried in the middle of the night - unheard by an exhausted mum. She is a gem and I found myself thinking of her as another of God's gifts to an emotionally charged individual.
What could have been so wrong with her in my eyes - initially? Whatever that bugged me about her then seem so inconsequential now. Well, she had appeared 'blur', had problems understanding English (spoken and written), had shown reluctance to do any shopping and had spent little time with my gals nor 'showed' signs of interest in them when they tried interacting with her. I was expecting an experienced maid with six to seven years of working experience in Singapore - someone who could function independently like Priya (and with . But the agency had overlooked the fact that her previous six years of work experience in Singapore was about seven years back! No wonder she was 'blur' at first and struggled with English. I also learnt to understand the depth of problems she arrived with. She and her husband have huge loans to pay off back in Sri Lanka and she was extremely quiet, probably preoccupied and burdened by thoughts of her family's situation and lonely in a new, less friendly environment. Interestingly, it was my children who accepted her and gave her a chance straight away - with greater open-mindedness. The final sense of being 'home' for Siriwathee came when Dev arrived.
She loves the lil fella and finds my gals amusing. She is beginning to show affection towards them too and I suspect they take her mind off her own issues. She deals with the gal's needs - tirelessly around the clock and gives them space to play with each other. The space the gals enjoy together has brought about some positive effects on their bond with each other.
How do I see Siriwathee now? Now, I see that she was just an introvert who was as nervous of change - and her new environment as I was of her and her likely contributions. Thank goodness, I finally saw the silver lining.
When the domestic helper issue was settled, there came the demands of renovation and the impending move to a new place. Every Sunday afternoon became a visit to the contractor's office. Almost every weekday, I was running about monitoring the progress of the work and buying required items. If not, there were all the legal matters to settle with regards to the sale of our condo and the purchase of our new but bigger HDB unit. On the weekends, Sreeni would be with me and that has been a reassurance. On the weekdays, I'd be texting him all the updates so that he'd be in the loop and could intervene when necessary.
Then, there is the most tiring part of the change - the plans for the big move itself. Now, what do we bring and what do we throw? Aaarrggghhh. Well, there are some things that we cannot bring along like the current condo facilities. And already, I feel that I'll miss some of them - like the swimming pool, the greenery and yes, the security. My gals have been moving about the condo around so freely now because the friendly security 'uncles' are there to protect them from unfamiliar loiterers. At the new HDB environment, I'll need to re-orientate the gals and my new maid to heartland living. They have to be more mindful. Of course, we'll focus on the positive aspects of the change - the pull factors that had us crossing the road to the new home.
Oh Mini, count your blessings! Change is a constant and there will be many more crossroads to come...
No comments:
Post a Comment