The Arrival of Dev

Hari Dev was born on 19th January via a C-section. We requested a C-section when the doctor told us that he seems to be growing at 80th percentile. I was 42 and was already worried about complications though I must say that I had the least complications with this pregnancy - no bleeding, no cravings, no nausea, no loss of appetite, and no extreme lethargy. I took care to rest of course because there is so just much that the body can take - in its 40s and with a 3rd pregnancy that was unplanned.

Now, another mazing bit to my sanguine-ness during this 3rd pregnancy was the fact that the world was kind to me. I often had strangers offering me seats, favours and care when they saw my bulging middle and tired countenance - all the more when I bring my two active angels with me. It made me romanticise that I had God's undivided attention.

Another source of support came from my four bosom buddies from old JI (not terrorists but a centralised institute which offered the A level course where I taught, as a teacher, in the 1990s). They kept in touch with all of Dev's developments - more or less - given the fact that we don't meet but a few times a year. In spite of the less than frequent meetings, we had smses and emails (which was also not v prompt...) Now why did I say they were a source of comfort? Hmmm. Oh yes, during every lag period, there would be this incredible effort to try an arrange the next get-together which always made me feel so needed. I remember how a meeting in July gave birth to the trip to Bintan in August. Yes, I actually went along with my buddies who took special care of me every step of the way.

Then again, the year I was expecting Dev was eventful.

I also met up with friends from my secondary school days. It started with the efforts of Reena, who tried to connect with some of us on FB. Soon, she had a number of us connected with each other. Frankly speaking, there were aspects of my secondary school life that I'd rather not remember. But the first meeting with two of my long-not-engaged-with friends found me coming to terms with another aspect of my life.  I also met up with my ex-colleagues that same year.

The result of all the honest to goodness connections with people in my life is a more self-assured mother.

When Dev arrived, there were so many people who wanted to re-connect with me, see him and the gals. It was a warm welcome to my lil serious fella. Nice.

Recognising Opportunities

The Road Not Taken (by Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

________________________________

I just thought about some of the life-changing choices I have made. This poem always makes me pensive because it is simple and timeless in its relevance to life. Yes, we may never come back to the same crossroad again and should grab opportunities that come our way.

If you can't make sense of the poem and its meaning, perhaps reading the explanation by clicking on this link might help :)  http://www.suite101.com/content/robert-frost-s-tricky-poem-a8712 . If you find the poem intriguing, well, google and read on.

Crossroads

I always thought decision-making was my forte - until recently. Decisions are easier to make when the results are remote from one's personal life - because then, one is emotionally removed and is operating on a higher realm - of facts/data and logic - in Ad Wagner's transactional analysis terms, completely in adult mode, neither a parent nor a child. Changes in personal life are harder to manage.

A number of things changed - all affecting my emotions deeply. For example, there was a need to re-charge relationships within the family. My hubby and I had undergone a  number of stressful experiences - not all of which we were in touch with nor excited about. In spite of these low points, the still-present love between us and a long shared history made us decide to stick it out with each other. Although we have lost some of our romantic notions, we have moved on. Now, we approach stressful matters with greater maturity - generally :) Yes, I think we've crossed our bridges somewhat and are charting new directions.

Then I realised how vastly different my daughters are from each other and from their cousins - not to mention us, their parents. I found myself re-calibrating how I respond to my daughters each time I learn more about them. And the changes are breathtaking; they happen so fast. The children are exposed to many influences outside the home and these make an impact on them. How do I keep up with these developments with a busy personal schedule? Time, time, time: it's ever evasive and a constant challenge.

Last year, I dealt with another life-changing matter. I discovered that I was two months pregnant during a routine check-up - when the sonographer announced that I had a 8-week-old foetus in my womb.  How could I have not known? That's another story fit for a separate blog entry altogether. Back to the point about discovering that I'll be a mother of No. 3. My feelings were ambivalent: I was thrilled (I loved the thought of holding another baby in my arms) and I was also shocked (my hubby and I were still in the midst of re-discovering 'us' and I had plans to pursue my other ambitions). I was already 42 and was not expecting to be expectant. A baby and another child can be a strong distracter. But there was a strong feeling that this baby was God's gift to me, to us.  And so, I crossed another bridge.

The baby was due this year - in Feb 2011- and I went for a C-section on 19 Jan. Before that, the unthinkable happened: the contract term for the maid I employed at home was coming to an end and it looked like I could not renew her contract with us for a number of reasons. When I had to effect this change, it brought along a series of emotional disturbances.

Will a new maid click with my two daughters? Ashwini and Mira had got along like a house on fire with the previous maid, Priya. Priya was a housekeeper, nanny cum playmate. She had been empowered to manage many of my household concerns - independently. Of course there were also those annoying moments when Ashwini and Priya would argue like kids (and I would have to tick off both of them). But I had such peace of mind the last six years because she had deep compassion for my two daughters. She monitored them closely and knew what they enjoyed watching on TV and what they loved playing on the computers. She knew who their friends and teachers were. She would keep me in the loop if she noticed anything amiss. As a workinh mother without the support of my mother or in-laws to supervise the maid at home, this was such a reassurance. Hence, my nervousness with the change in maid. Many questions raced through my mind. Will the gals accept a new maid? Even if they do, will the new maid manage my newborn the way Priya had tended to Mira since she was born - in my absence when I'm at work? Will she have an interest in my gals who may feel displaced now that there is a newborn to take away some of the attention from mommy? Will she demand many off-days? The experienced maids generally do (and I felt I needed one with experience in handling THREE children independently) but that'll make most or all Sundays tough on me when I complete my maternity leave. After all, I leave home at unearthly hours because I teach in a full day school and Sunday evening are when I need some space to get ready for the hectic week ahead. It is also the time when I the gals need to be monitored - to prepare for an early night in view of the school days ahead. Should I ask my current maid to leave only after baby is born and only after we move to our new place? Yes, we had sold our condo. If Priya stays with us until No 3 is born, I can have her support while I'm hospitalised. But then again I do that, the new maid will not have had enough lead time with the gals BEFORE the baby is born. The gals would also miss Priya even more if I have less time with them after No 3 arrives. Each of the questions and answers brought me to separate crossroads. Depending on which road I decide to take, the 'journey' and 'end-point'would be obviously different.

It did not help that when my new helper turned up, my panic buttons were pushed. You see, I felt that she was ALL wrong. I saw her 'faults' and they overwhelmed me. I tried to get her replaced but the agency had difficulty finding the 'perfect' replacement - immediately. I spoke to a few transfer maids but I was paralysed with fear to make a decision either way. They all looked less suitable than the one I had at home. I was in the final stages of my pregnancy and my baby was due for a C-section in a month. I found a way to buy time. I started thinking of ways to get around my new maid's limitations by focussing on her strengths - the key ones being her maturity and good attitude. I decided that I'll have to effect changes around the home to accommodate the strengths of the new helper and work with her strengths.

As my 'adult mode' kicked in, I calmed down. My new helper, Siriwathee, was 41 and a mother of three grown-up boys. She was obedient. Despite being a good cook herself, she would watch and carry out cooking exactly as I instructed. That was so humble and it was humbling for me to see such attitude in someone who was quite accomplished but went about her work without any aplomb. She wanted us to enjoy what she brought to the table and was very mindful that our needs were being met. She did not want any Sundays off so she could maximise her earnings. Though not a nanny type or a playmate, she was motherly. The children 'listened' to her gentle persuasions and were always on time for school. She moved around the house quietly, working hard round the clock (without being asked to) and waking up daily at 5.00am (without being instructed to). I found myself requesting her to enjoy waking up a little later on weekends. I found myself complimenting her efforts and looking into her needs. She was careful that I did not carry heavy loads nor burn my hands when I cooked. Her concern for our welfare would be expressed matter-of-factly and without fuss. During my recuperation period after Dev was born, she showed quiet care for me (I came back with stitches from a Caesarean). I had no confinement nanny or additional help. She  enquired if I needed any special diet and surprised me with one or two tonics that I mentioned about in passing. On a few occasions, she woke up, unasked, to tend to my newborn son when he cried in the middle of the night - unheard by an exhausted mum. She is a gem and I found myself thinking of her as another of God's gifts to an emotionally charged individual.

What could have been so wrong with her in my eyes - initially? Whatever that bugged me about her then seem so inconsequential now. Well, she had appeared 'blur', had problems understanding English (spoken and written), had shown reluctance to do any shopping and had spent little time with my gals nor 'showed' signs of interest in them when they tried interacting with her. I was expecting an experienced maid with six to seven years of working experience in Singapore - someone who could function independently like Priya (and with . But the agency had overlooked the fact that her previous six years of work experience in Singapore was about seven years back! No wonder she was 'blur' at first and struggled with English. I also learnt to understand the depth of problems she arrived with. She and her husband have huge loans to pay off back in Sri Lanka and she was extremely quiet, probably preoccupied and burdened by thoughts of her family's situation and lonely in a new, less friendly environment. Interestingly, it was my children who accepted her and gave her a chance straight away - with greater open-mindedness. The final sense of being 'home' for Siriwathee came when Dev arrived.

She loves the lil fella and finds my gals amusing. She is beginning to show affection towards them too and I suspect they take her mind off her own issues. She deals with the gal's needs - tirelessly around the clock and gives them space to play with each other. The space the gals enjoy together has brought about some positive effects on their bond with each other.

How do I see Siriwathee now? Now, I see that she was just an introvert who was as nervous of change - and her new environment as I was of her and her likely contributions. Thank goodness, I finally saw the silver lining.

When the domestic helper issue was settled, there came the demands of renovation and the impending move to a new place. Every Sunday afternoon became a visit to the contractor's office. Almost every weekday, I was running about monitoring the progress of the work and buying required items. If not, there were all the legal matters to settle with regards to the sale of our condo and the purchase of our new but bigger HDB unit. On the weekends, Sreeni would be with me and that has been a reassurance. On the weekdays, I'd be texting him all the updates so that he'd be in the loop and could intervene when necessary.

Then, there is the most tiring part of the change - the plans for the big move itself. Now, what do we bring and what do we throw? Aaarrggghhh. Well, there are some things that we cannot bring along like the current condo facilities. And already, I feel that I'll miss some of them - like the swimming pool, the greenery and yes, the security. My gals have been moving about the condo around so freely now because the friendly security 'uncles' are there to protect them from unfamiliar loiterers. At the new HDB environment, I'll need to re-orientate the gals and my new maid to heartland living. They have to be more mindful.  Of course, we'll focus on the positive aspects of the change - the pull factors that had us crossing the road to the new home.

Oh Mini, count your blessings! Change is a constant and there will be many more crossroads to come...

Same but Different

Growing up in a household of three sisters, WE were always targets for comparison.

It happens in all families. However, comparisons are less avoidable when siblings are of the same gender or when the age gap between them is smaller. And that's because the pressure of measuring up is even greater.

Fortunately, our love for each other as sisters have always tempered triggers for rivalry. Admittedly, there were moments of uncertainty - usually a result of the not-ill-intentioned but careless quip from someone around (our parents, in particular). Perhaps being girls, (not arguably the more mature of the sexes), we were able to keep things in perspective as we grew up. What induced comfort despite unwelcome triggers was the fact that the three of us were intensely loyal to each other for a number of reasons. For one, we were collectively united against the strict upbringing that was sometimes a 'pain' in the butt - literally. For now, let's just say that it helps to have a common enemy in one or both of your parents! LOL. This was in spite of the fact that we also loved our parents dearly and would not tolerate disrespect to them. Women are walking contradictions and models of humanity :)

Ashwini, Mira and ME :)

Well, how has all this prepared me for mothering two girls without prejudice against the other? I cannot remember the number of friends who were curious to know if I have a favourite. Well, the same question in interesting variations come from my daugthers - sometimes in insinuating statements.

How can I be accused of favouritism? There were some friends who told me that parents WILL have a favourite. I cannot agree.

I love both of of my daughters - equally. They evoke the same gush of feeling from my heart - albeit at different times of the day and sometimes at the same time, when they are together and angelic. Given the fact that they were not born concurrently, my elder one, Ashwini, occasionally reminisces the times when she was the centre of her parents' life and contrasts that now, when she has to share that attention with Mira. Mira on the other hand, will never know what it is like to be the sole recepient of her parents' love. After all, from the time she was born, she'd had to share her parents' love with Ashwini. This means having different rules - to be fair to each of their developmental state. And of course, both of them have issues with nature's law - which cannot be fair in their little eyes. A parent can only continue to explain and hope that as their bond grows and as their relationships with their friends develop, their entired sense of being accepted gets moderated by other lessons in life - outside the home.

A mother cannot choose between her children. Each one is special and shares a unique bond with her. I now have a one-month old son whom I adore (I mean, he's a baby!!!) but I am not surprised that my feelings for my daughters has only strengthened.

Why do my children love their cranky mother?

I could never figure this one out - though I should, seriously, not complain :). I mean, it could be that I should be loved because I gave birth to both of them and it really does not matter whether they come out through the birth canal, via forceps or the C-section. I am MUM and MUMs are supposed to be these serene, smiling, sweet-smelling and self-sacrificial beings, right? Ha ha. Well, no.

I should not speak for all mums...but err, I am fascinated that the bond that I share with my two lovely gals is non-negotiable. I love them - for better and for worse and I can fathom that my love is unconditional even at my most detached moments. But then again I am extremely cranky when they are at their worst. I have a short fuse when it comes to childish and child-like behaviour - though on the surface, I can continue to keep cool and calm. Then, the tension beneath the surface creates cracks that showcase the crazed crankiness. Maybe, that's the problem. I may be confusing my gals! By the time they figure out that I am really upset, they have deteriorated from angelic sweetness to impish annoyance and then to devilish rascals. There are times when I have it all sorted out. My briefings work because I am vigilant and have worked out the consequences for bad behaviour and communicated these to them. It works when there is a session to put the agreement to the test before the bid day itself. Sad to say, despite all my best intentions, they surprise me at times and I feel unprepared. What could have prepared me for my Ashwini dipping her fingers into my sister's drink - unannounced and totally without reason? Ashwini learnt a lesson about boundaries and consideration that day - through a ticking off in front of her cousins by an outraged sister and a private discussion with me. There are other days when I am simply without patience and I could have conducted myself more appropriately. I have instead nagged, berated and smacked my daughters. Their tears always wring my heart but my face retains its scowl because I am so mad with them.

Yet, in all their innocence, they know that I am far from perfect and they love me the way I am. Do I deserve this? I should. I do (I am telling myself this). After all, most, if not all, decisions that I make are centred around them. I don't do the physical stuff because I conserve my energy for my work, which I love and from where I energise and learn to be a better mum. Teaching has taught me the most about families because I have seen hundreds pass through my way and they all show me how essential bonds with parents are. They teach me what they love and hate about their parents and what the consequences are for the love and hate that they harbour in their hearts. Even the teenager who claims he hates his parent, says so because he is utterly disappointed in being rejected by the parent in some way.

Yes, even children know how to love their parents unconditionally. We parents must also strive to deserve that love and keep that going. A child that is happy to acknowledge that love publicly is blessed and so is the mum or dad who is happy to hear it and return that love - multi fold.

My daughters love me and yes, I love them more than the world :)

Time Out from Teaching Means Time to Reflect on Teaching...

The Real Perks of the Management and Leadership in Schools (MLS) course for me... I miss my school, students and teachers but I cannot help but be thrilled. I have the luxury and privilege of being nominated for a fully-paid 4-month long training opportunity within Singapore (which means still living under the same roof as my loved ones and with access to resources within the school virtual network - all a click of a button away, besides the beckoning comfort of my workstation in school. )

Some of my course-mates were skeptical about the benefits of being at the course but I was ecstatic. I felt that we are a lucky bunch; I even wondered if there is another part of the world where you can be selected for training and be paid whilst at it.What could be better than having so much TIME to REFLECT - especially for a natural thinker like me? 

I was always feeling rushed to just deliver the 'goods' of teaching and sometimes, this was done without the adequate thought that was expected of the job. I mean besides being a curriculum gatekeeper (teacher), I am a curriculum leader (Level Head). Both the roles require decision-making based on sound educational principles. When the day-to-day concerns hit you, there is hardly the time to ponder about the 'curriculum' and being embroiled as a involved party with conflicting priorities and demands, it is virtually impossible to take a step back and look at the curriculum from outside the 'box' - objectively and critically.

At the MLS course, apart from the weekly learning journals, presentations, assignments, discussion forums and break-out sessions - all of which are expected to be supported by knowledge gained and re-created from the stimulus provided at lectures and the recommended readings, there are other really rejuvenating respites - like the regional and local school visits.

My team-mates and I have made contact with a number of secondary schools to dialogue with their curriculum leaders about their English programmes. The school we visited yesterday was a Centre of Excellence for English, Literature and Drama in the North Zone. The school had a well-integrated approach to the teaching of all of these three subjects and the key, in my view, was the school's teamwork and infrastructure support. Of course, the school had only one main stream which meant that curriculum leadership was less complex and so, deployment of teachers and their professional development could more streamlined. But the model was not wrong and can be applied to my/any school - if we focus on a single stream at a time and deployed our teachers more strategically. The learning was rich, not because they practised strategies vastly different from any of the five schools whose Heads were present and listening with interest but because the sharing affirmed aspects of our own belief systems and choices and also demonstrated the sound reasoning and work process that was embarked on to support the curriculum choices by the educators sharing snippets of their bread & butter with us. They had teachers who had to teach graduating classes in their second year of teaching (something that some of our schools look upon tentatively) but they rise to the occasion - not without coaching/mentoring and monitoring by team leader of the graduating classes. There was nothing as engaging or intriguing as the sharing by operational experts on curriculum matters because of the links between curriculum choices and unique school contexts. The three hours flew past, unnoticed and we still had questions.

I am looking forward to the rest of the school visits as well, and this being a practical aspect of the course, my team is keen to learn more through dialogues with practitioners rather than an over-reliance on theory. (not that readings have not been insightful; they are records of other educational researchers' practice and experiments and are short-cuts to discoveries about educational practices, etc.)

Cheers to learning and God give me the wisdom to make a difference in my own school when I return later this year. After all, my teachers and students deserve a better me after this wonderful recharging experience!

The Perfect Story - The Perfect Child and Mother.

I can't believe that I post so infrequently. But then, I am so so so busy!!! Really, I am... Sigh.

Then again, I often wonder how other bloggers do it. Actually, the trouble is that I love crafting these entries so much, that I really spend too long on each one (when I finally get down to it, that is) . And for each entry, (if you had read the rest in this blog). you'd realise that I like to share one of my insights in life each time I post. No wonder I take so long to say my piece. I am a hopeless perfectionist, and you know what? So is my Ashwini.

Watching your child grow up is like watching your own growth, both as an individual and as a parent - symbiotically. What do I mean? One or more of your children sometimes inherit in their personalities, the same or echoes of the same strengths and weaknesses that you possess. As a parent, you may not see that clearly and even if you do, there is a tendency to quickly support the strength and help manage that weakness that you also share. And that's the difficult part - because you know how much that weakness has held you back (in your own struggles with growing up), you are anxious to pluck that weakness out of the existence of your 'perfect' child - at any cost. Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean, can one really do that? What does that say about your own sense of self-acceptance? And you can imagine the contagious effect of such an attitude on the anxiety of your 'perfect' child.

The test is always there, in one form or another. Ashwini brought home a CCA option form one day. I was fascinated that P1 students take CCA. My first thought was, 'What fun!'. Ashwini can learn something in her own school and make some friends outside of her class and Seniors at that. When I asked Ashwini about what she thought, she was quick to tell me that she did not want any CCA to do with Performing Arts (she's learning Bharathanatyam at SIFAS on Sundays) or sports (she's learning swimming every Saturday evening at APS school and used to learn gymnastics in preschool). She was also exposed to Speech & Drama.

Finally, she told me - quite decisively - that she would like either Science & Technology Club (which I secretly was not crazy about. Is it really fun?!) or Art Club (Hmm OK, but..) . I listened to her. I must especially with Sreeni giving me that quizzical look in the background. Yes, the well-meaning father and the anxious mother. There's always that natural affliction in the combination which is God's way of taking care of the little ones in our care, I suppose.

The story only just began. When she was finally allotted the CCA (Yes, she was given Science & Technology Club), Ashwini decided that she will not go for CCA. She did not know what it would really entail and she had so many other things to do. She took the first bus home and that gave me a shock. She told me that she had no idea where to go and that she was afraid to ask around for help. I felt my irritation mounting. I was impatient to pluck that sense of reluctance and fear out of her being so that she does not get held back by such inconsequential notions. This was the problem. I was just like Ashwini in my own youth. There was always a fear (of authoritative figures) and shyness holding me back. I was curious and always plagued by the tension between my curiosity and need for affirmation and friendship vs the fear of a bad experience and rejection.

Years of life experience has taught me how to manage my own fears better - not always perfectly. What more do I want from a 6-year-old? It took a lot of thinking and the will to do what she needs and not what I want - with the timely advice from my own mother to give Ashwini space to adjust to her new P1 life at her own pace - which finally brought me to my senses. I talked to Sreeni as well, besides having a few chats with Ashwini herself.

Ashwini and I struck a deal that she can re-consider CCA in P2, but only if she wishes to join the CCA. Ashwini reminded me that CCA is only required from P3 onwards. She agreed that she will - however - continue going for Chinese Enrichment classes on Thursday afternoons (which she was also threatening to drop for reasons of unfamiliarity). I swiftly communicated through the comms book with her FT to give her some encouragement and guidance (something which her FT did carry out). Ashwini attended the first session gingerly and was happy that it was fun. She met other non-Chinese students who were there to learn how to speak some basic Mandarin and the experience lost its sense of mystery.

I was proud of her. She knew her rights and in her little way had put me in my place. This is the life lesson I am currently experiencing - and I hope I learn from it quickly (and yes - perfectly). LOL again!